My early educators put us at the top of the class for others to laugh when we got answers wrong or to stand in the corner alone to ponder why or to be sent to head masters for brutal beatings with a cane.
Because of these experiences at an early age as a boy I learned that men had to be the main providers for the family, you as a man of the house in the future had to get a good job, you had to know the answers and failure in anything you did was not an option.
In school I was thought shame , fear ,guilt and limiting beliefs and negative learned behaviours which in truth I brought subconsciously into my corporate career many years later.
School became a daily survival so I developed a suit of armour , a thick skin if you will and an alibi so I could think fast on my feet. Never would I show emotion in school.
As I grew up my father became an alcoholic he made life tough for me and I failed my maths exam in my leaving cert because he was sitting on my bed at 4 am telling me how useless I was.
I had an insatiable inner drive to get on in my corporate career ,I have been promoted in every company I have worked for and been headhunted by three banks in the jurisdiction because I build up a reputation based on my customer service, operational and problem solving skills.
My corporate career was painful every single day mostly down to my mindset and the fact I was living in the future and not the present moment.
In my head the need to get on in life was relentless ,and on a football field I had to win and I needed to score a goal to feel worthy.
When my son was born I was delighted I was a dad but the need to provide drove me to have to buy a second house.
When my daughter was born I was delighted again how beautiful she was but the need to provide became greater and I bought a third house.
This of course was all in my head ,the voices telling me what I need to be , to do as a man it was what I learned from my early educators.
My determination and relentlessness got me a football trial in the UK and a contract offer which I refused as I had obtained a job in a bank to start my career in financial services.
I was determined, committed, relentless ,in my pursuit for a senior position in corporate.
I survived 7 armed robberies in a banking career ,3 were 3 days in a row in different branch offices I covered as relief manager ,I didn’t miss a day, I served customers after each raid nothing could get in the way of potential promotion and my future career.
As a driver in a head on car crash one day on way to work ,it still did not stop me getting to the office by 5pm that day.
Being assaulted by a customer I had advised was being evicted from his house in 3 days time because of mortgage arrears did not deter me I didn’t miss a day.
My mentality was always thinking of the corporate chair ,the promotion the need to get on, to provide ,the worry of what people thought of me was I good enough was a constant question I asked myself.
I applied for a particular promotion 5 times without success and I was devastated every time I failed. I was good at what I did even then I had a great reputation and was a favourite within my peers of the organisation to gain promotion but I failed.
When I decided to leave that company for greater opportunities the Director who did not promote me called me to apologize for not promoting me , “You see Brian it suited me to keep you in the position you were in because you were so good at what you did” he said.
He had no idea the devastation I suffered over a few years he held me back in my career , I should have realised there were users in management who will keep you back ,give false feedback for their benefit. So for the benefit of anyone reading this it is important you understand the colour personality of your boss.
I was so focused in getting promoted thinking of the future working long hours I didn’t see all the additional work I had put on my wife who had her own successful career and managed the kids and the house.
When we decided to move house my wife did the search and made an offer on a beautiful house before I went to see it because I was too busy.
In 2006 when my dad died of cancer and I was with him when doctor told him there was no more that could do ,it should have been a life changing moment but my dad died ,I spoke at his funeral and I continued to live my life 100 miles an hour chasing a corporate dream. I learned nothing .
In 2007 when my best friend died of cancer and I spoke with him when he was on his death bed about an opportunity to move to another institution and he told me to take the job and look after my family and keep an eye out for his ,it should have been a life changing moment he died ,I spoke at his funeral and I continued to live my life at 100 miles an hour chasing a corporate dream. I learned nothing .
Having been headhunted back into financial services in 2007 I was not prepared for the turmoil, lack of operational experience and bad procedures I experienced that I ended up working long hours not helped by the Financial crises in 2008.
Despite being an expert in my field when I entered a room I felt an Impostor, that I was not good enough to be there and everyone in the room was better than I was. I could thank my early educators for that learned behaviour . I wore my suit of armour well and had my alibi ready just in case.
Working 84 hours a week in 2010 I suffered mental exhaustion . Receiving 250 to 300 e mails a day managing over 200 people across two banks owned by a UK parent and teams in Ireland India UK and Poland was taking its toll.
I had a huge to do list impossible for one man with about 15 managers reporting to him with broken processes and angry customers and little internal management support.
Having been diagnosed with mental exhausion at the weekend as my wife brought me to the doctor as I looked terrible I was told I needed full mental rest
I found myself at home one Monday morning my wife was gone to work, my kids to school and I sat alone in the house on the couch and cried my eyes out. I sobbed like a child as the tears ran down my face and I found it hard to breath.
I was 50 years of age and I had no idea what was happening in my head .
I was back as a 15 year old with my dad on my bed telling me how useless I was , he must have been right, I thought , why else am I at home 50 years of age a failure.
My learned behaviours and my self talk all ganged up against me , the negative voices in my head and then I realised I was treating my family just as my father had treated ours.
Everytime my dad had a drink he got a dopamine hit ,everytime I got something off a to do list I got a dopamine hit .
You see while dopamine is a positive chemical for the brain but in an unbalanced mind its addictive.
So in 2010 I changed my mindset realised I had become a people pleaser ,had allowed myself to be used for the benefit of others and the corporate chair I had chased I had actually reached it and had not realised it. I had to take responsibility for what I had allowed to happen.
A six figure salary ,a loving family two beautiful children what more is life about?
I re-evaluated my life, learned to love myself for the first time in a very long time if ever, and decided I did not care what people thought about me when I went back to work.
I started to believe I was an expert in what I did and I realised I would be more supportive to my family in the future and they were my no1 priority.
I vowed to give something back so I started to run marathons at 50 and ultra marathons at 55 to give something back.
I rebuilt my relationships with my kids and wife and put a retirement plan and debt free plan in place to mature at 58.
My mission now is to advise people they can have a successful career while living in the present but they must be clear about what they want and what their values are.
You don’t have to work 84 hours a week to be successful and any job or manager that demands that is not the company you should be working for.
I specialise in helping people manage their stress , and to be successful following a promotion because a lot of people do not receive leadership skills from their employer.
Impostor syndrome is real but I help clients realise their worth and know when they enter a room they deserve to be there.
I want people to slow down in life to understand they are here on earth to do more than go to work ,pay bills and die.
You can do it ,you can have the career you want and you don’t have to make the mistakes or suffer the pain I did to be successful.
Go for it , no regrets
